Not from around these parts

If you want to open a bar in North Wisconsin then here are some things you should know.

1)      Your bar should have a minimum of one dead animal hanging off the wall. Common favorites are fish, deer, elk, bear, fox, squirrel or porcupine.

2)      The color theme of the bar will be brown.

3)      You must have at least five varied neon light signs advertising Budweiser or other such beverages.

4)      The television in the corner of the bar should ideally show hunting shows or sports.

5)      There must be a jukebox and all music should be country western. Themes can vary but usually revolve around loving or losing a girlfriend, truck, or dog.  

6)      Frogs legs can be an item on the menu if you wish.

Over the past few days I have been making regular nightly visits to the bars of North Wisconsin. I am still at bible camp and I am still working hard, but now I have met up with Tony who is the director of the comparatively unbiblical camp where I am employed.

If you are not a local in a bar then you will be stared at throughout the evening and approached by a wide range of colorful characters. Opening lines usually start with a slightly menacing “You aint from around these paaarts arrre ya”? If you have ever seen the film called Deliverance then it is at this point that the banjo music begins to play in the back of your mind.

The first man we met had just got out of jail, he chatted about his love of fishing and he knew of the town in Indiana where Tony grew up. The newly released prisoner seemed to be unemployed, so I asked if he got work taking tourists out on fishing trips. “I aiiint no tooouriiist” came the shocked reply.

For some reason being English in a North Wisconsin bar gives me license to say whatever I want to whoever I want, providing I start the sentence with “Hi, I’m from England, I just wanted to ask you…” I used this tactic to find out why a blonde girl and guy were wearing matching yellow T-shirts that said ‘Divorced and Swingin’, on the back. It turned out that they were part of a local divorcee volleyball team. It also turned out that the girl liked an English accent, because she soon joined Tony and me at the bar.

Then there was the daughter-in-law of the local mayor. She started chatting and telling us about how her husband had petitioned for divorce. She explained this story whilst holding hands with a man I later established was her husband’s brother. If this was not confusing enough, the same lady also started hitting on Tony, naming him ‘the little tan man’.

We circulated from bar to bar (they were all right next to each other) and found toothless locals, flirty bar girls and outrageous drunks with enough character to fill a novel. At one bar we sat watching the hunting channel on television, as a deer slowly expired from a crossbow wound I remarked to the bargirl that the film they had on seemed to have a very sad ending.

“This is mah favorite channel”, she replied, fairly directly

“Hi, I’m from England, do you like hunting?” I backtracked

“yeea!” Aaave been huntin since ah was twelve years old”!

I later discovered the small blonde bargirl liked to eat bear and enjoys shooting deer the most.

And when Tony and I were the last ones left in the bar we decided that it was time to leave. We had to walk 2.5 miles to get back to camp  but less than ten minutes into our journey a pickup truck pulled up alongside us “you guys want a lift back to the bible camp? We live right next door”, it was the owners from one of the bars.

So we climbed drunkenly into the truck and talked to the couple with Harley Davidson tattoos about where we were from and what we were doing at the bible camp. “I need to be clear that we are not employed by the bible camp” Tony stated as we approached the entrance. “Don’t worry hunny, we’ve heard it all before”, replied the wife.